Pinterest boards should come with a disclaimer, at least when they’re depicting light-drenched impeccably appointed home interiors: *You will not achieve the harmony of this monumental adulting accomplishment—or anything close—if you and/or your spouse are not obsessively neat.
I want to push back gently on footnote 2, and perhaps I'm misunderstanding, but where you write "...I am terrible at many wifely duties...", I would posit that there are no "wifely duties" anywhere -- there are simply duties that must be done in a home, and some of them need to be done by the adults present in that relationship (some can be done by children present, if there are any). The more we ascribe to the language of there being "wifely duties" that exist as fact, the more it is reinforced. This language and usage has been handed down by older generations and by the patriarchal system, but it's up to us all to stop using it and accepting it as having any meaning. Again, mine is a gentle pushback with respect as I love your work and your writing and your heart. (And I'm much older and married far longer and this is a matter that I am constantly working against in my own marriage, and I watch my female friends and relatives in their marriages also battle these generationally engrained beliefs that certain adult responsibilities have a gender attached to them).
Yes, sooo true Aileen!! That's the same reason I stopped joking that "I need a wife," but you put it so much more articulately. Gentle pushback and an upgrade to my wording is essential and so appreciated!! I know how frustrating the experience of pushing against these patriarchal beliefs is for so many of us, and the very last thing I'd want to do is reinforce any of them further. Thank you for weighing in! 🙏 And here's to fairly shared duties among adults and/or kids if present :)
I don't even do all the stages of my laundry the same! Separating, treating, washing, and unloading I'm more than happy with. I don't even mind putting away folded laundry, a lovely sense of satisfying completion to the chore.
But I would rather be dragged naked through a chunnel filled with thumbtacks than have to stand (or sit) and tediously fold every. single. frickin. piece. of. laundry! So the piles form, a bottleneck of frustrating resentment of my own making. Grrr.
LOL at “I don’t even do all the stages of my laundry the same” — sooo true!! Your description of the bottleneck that forms at the folding stage is cracking me up!! If I fold, will you put them away?! I hate cramming things into my already too-full closets. I just make sure when I do fold (increasingly rare 😭) that I’m dumping the deliciously hot pile onto the living room chair so I can at least watch my trashy reality TV while doing it 😂
OHMYGOODNESS I could not hate this phrase more: “How you do one thing is how you do everything.” The first time I heard it from someone on a stage, I remember everyone looking at each other and nodding their heads and me thinking, "Okay, I'm outta here. This is what we're doing here!!!???" I also love using The Work on socks. I am a complete neat freak (just thinking about the clothes in your home gave me anxiety):), but Chris and Dylan are absolutely not.) I never get mad at them or frustrated that they don't pick up or clean up, I just do it myself. Cleaning is my crack and it doesn't need to be theirs. I mean, they're not hoarder slobs, but if I had it my way, there would never be anything where it doesn't belong and for the love of god why are there crumbs on the counter!!! I also know, my neatness obsession doesn't have to be theirs. As long as they don't get mad at me for cleaning, I won't get mad that they act like totally normal people:)
Hi Mel! Replied to this accidentally on the main thread, so re-pasting here just in case the last one didn't get to you :)
“I never get mad at them or frustrated that they don't pick up or clean up, I just do it myself. Cleaning is my crack and it doesn't need to be theirs.” 😂😂😂 So well said!! I love the last line of your comment too 🥰 Our obsessions are our own! Michael is obsessed with having his socks where he can see them 🤣🤣
My temptation would be to take all the piles and dump them in said partner's personal creative space, go about my business, say nothing, and see what happens. But my spiritual path now demands that I attempt to be 100% loving, so I guess I'd reset to having a meaningful, hopefully humorous but no BS sort of conversation. . .
For me, when my space is cluttered, my mind is cluttered, both before and after the emergence of piles. I cannot stand the tension. I feel like I am (also) the spaces I occupy. I live alone and yet manage to make all sorts of little messes until it hits a point where I want to scream, and I go into hyperdrive and spend a day, sometimes, putting everything back where it belongs. Because I feel things need a place, so I can point and say, "Go to your place!" then my inner maid leaps into action to assist. To have things in their perfect places, I need a system for how I do things that is efficient—and enjoyable. So that, of course, takes some design-thinking.
The other thing is that I actively cultivate mindfulness in the detail of doing things well. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, "Doing the dishes is like washing a baby Buddha." I tell myself that I like folding laundry and helping it go back into its place. To do these things well, with love, there can be no ticking off of boxes. . . ;-) but more a personal relationship with each "object." I feel into it to find its core and grant it consciousness, pretend it's a good friend. Doing my taxes was a test (!)—I just had to stay in the moment and see that "even this is in the Flow"!
Most of the problem concerning this is that I often don't finish things I set out to do. I leave clothes in the dryer, forget a cup by the bedside, put something down before it gets to its shelf in the garage. Completion of cycles and the experience of the satisfaction and liminal space that comes is quite enjoyable. And it's so easy to gloss over that part. . .
I love the Thich Nhat Hanh line, "Doing the dishes is like washing a baby Buddha." I’ll remember that and smile next time I’m doing them :)
My piles are no better than said partner’s, I’m an equal offender! Thankfully we both leave each other’s creative space alone…and then I went ahead and piled mine (my office) with all kinds of paper clutter that I have yet to take care of. Not to mention my little overflowing book cart!
I’ve just learned to tackle it all in batches when I’m more relaxed on weekends, as long as I put on something fun to listen to — and then find some sort of acceptance practice during the week when I can’t be bothered with any of it 😆
And way to go on your taxes!! That’s always such a mountain to climb — I’m done with the business return, and will be so dang relieved when the personal one is done too — tax season always gives me hives! It’s all just so complicated and opaque.
I want to push back gently on footnote 2, and perhaps I'm misunderstanding, but where you write "...I am terrible at many wifely duties...", I would posit that there are no "wifely duties" anywhere -- there are simply duties that must be done in a home, and some of them need to be done by the adults present in that relationship (some can be done by children present, if there are any). The more we ascribe to the language of there being "wifely duties" that exist as fact, the more it is reinforced. This language and usage has been handed down by older generations and by the patriarchal system, but it's up to us all to stop using it and accepting it as having any meaning. Again, mine is a gentle pushback with respect as I love your work and your writing and your heart. (And I'm much older and married far longer and this is a matter that I am constantly working against in my own marriage, and I watch my female friends and relatives in their marriages also battle these generationally engrained beliefs that certain adult responsibilities have a gender attached to them).
Yes, sooo true Aileen!! That's the same reason I stopped joking that "I need a wife," but you put it so much more articulately. Gentle pushback and an upgrade to my wording is essential and so appreciated!! I know how frustrating the experience of pushing against these patriarchal beliefs is for so many of us, and the very last thing I'd want to do is reinforce any of them further. Thank you for weighing in! 🙏 And here's to fairly shared duties among adults and/or kids if present :)
“How you do one thing is how you do everything.”
I don't even do all the stages of my laundry the same! Separating, treating, washing, and unloading I'm more than happy with. I don't even mind putting away folded laundry, a lovely sense of satisfying completion to the chore.
But I would rather be dragged naked through a chunnel filled with thumbtacks than have to stand (or sit) and tediously fold every. single. frickin. piece. of. laundry! So the piles form, a bottleneck of frustrating resentment of my own making. Grrr.
LOL at “I don’t even do all the stages of my laundry the same” — sooo true!! Your description of the bottleneck that forms at the folding stage is cracking me up!! If I fold, will you put them away?! I hate cramming things into my already too-full closets. I just make sure when I do fold (increasingly rare 😭) that I’m dumping the deliciously hot pile onto the living room chair so I can at least watch my trashy reality TV while doing it 😂
OHMYGOODNESS I could not hate this phrase more: “How you do one thing is how you do everything.” The first time I heard it from someone on a stage, I remember everyone looking at each other and nodding their heads and me thinking, "Okay, I'm outta here. This is what we're doing here!!!???" I also love using The Work on socks. I am a complete neat freak (just thinking about the clothes in your home gave me anxiety):), but Chris and Dylan are absolutely not.) I never get mad at them or frustrated that they don't pick up or clean up, I just do it myself. Cleaning is my crack and it doesn't need to be theirs. I mean, they're not hoarder slobs, but if I had it my way, there would never be anything where it doesn't belong and for the love of god why are there crumbs on the counter!!! I also know, my neatness obsession doesn't have to be theirs. As long as they don't get mad at me for cleaning, I won't get mad that they act like totally normal people:)
Hi Mel! Replied to this accidentally on the main thread, so re-pasting here just in case the last one didn't get to you :)
“I never get mad at them or frustrated that they don't pick up or clean up, I just do it myself. Cleaning is my crack and it doesn't need to be theirs.” 😂😂😂 So well said!! I love the last line of your comment too 🥰 Our obsessions are our own! Michael is obsessed with having his socks where he can see them 🤣🤣
My temptation would be to take all the piles and dump them in said partner's personal creative space, go about my business, say nothing, and see what happens. But my spiritual path now demands that I attempt to be 100% loving, so I guess I'd reset to having a meaningful, hopefully humorous but no BS sort of conversation. . .
For me, when my space is cluttered, my mind is cluttered, both before and after the emergence of piles. I cannot stand the tension. I feel like I am (also) the spaces I occupy. I live alone and yet manage to make all sorts of little messes until it hits a point where I want to scream, and I go into hyperdrive and spend a day, sometimes, putting everything back where it belongs. Because I feel things need a place, so I can point and say, "Go to your place!" then my inner maid leaps into action to assist. To have things in their perfect places, I need a system for how I do things that is efficient—and enjoyable. So that, of course, takes some design-thinking.
The other thing is that I actively cultivate mindfulness in the detail of doing things well. As Thich Nhat Hanh said, "Doing the dishes is like washing a baby Buddha." I tell myself that I like folding laundry and helping it go back into its place. To do these things well, with love, there can be no ticking off of boxes. . . ;-) but more a personal relationship with each "object." I feel into it to find its core and grant it consciousness, pretend it's a good friend. Doing my taxes was a test (!)—I just had to stay in the moment and see that "even this is in the Flow"!
Most of the problem concerning this is that I often don't finish things I set out to do. I leave clothes in the dryer, forget a cup by the bedside, put something down before it gets to its shelf in the garage. Completion of cycles and the experience of the satisfaction and liminal space that comes is quite enjoyable. And it's so easy to gloss over that part. . .
I love the Thich Nhat Hanh line, "Doing the dishes is like washing a baby Buddha." I’ll remember that and smile next time I’m doing them :)
My piles are no better than said partner’s, I’m an equal offender! Thankfully we both leave each other’s creative space alone…and then I went ahead and piled mine (my office) with all kinds of paper clutter that I have yet to take care of. Not to mention my little overflowing book cart!
I’ve just learned to tackle it all in batches when I’m more relaxed on weekends, as long as I put on something fun to listen to — and then find some sort of acceptance practice during the week when I can’t be bothered with any of it 😆
And way to go on your taxes!! That’s always such a mountain to climb — I’m done with the business return, and will be so dang relieved when the personal one is done too — tax season always gives me hives! It’s all just so complicated and opaque.