Jenny, I've been following along closely to this series (and the previous one) because I found myself obsessed with the drama around Liz' new book also. I started checking out times for CODA meetings just in case that was a path I wanted to explore. But as I've recently finished the book on Fawning (coincidentally recommended by Audible the same week you started writing about it), I'm beginning to piece together my own thoughts on these topics.
I love Ingrid Clayton's approach, in that it doesn't blame the person for fawning or people pleasing, but instead locates it appropriately as a trauma response. Maybe this is why I've struggled most with the codependency literature, because it doesn't acknowledge the adaptive function of serving others.
I'm also starting to connect the dots in terms of our political system as well. I've been puzzled why nobody can stand up to an authoritarian leader - maybe collective fawning has become problematic in the Republican party, going along to get along. In light of that, some political stuff makes more sense to me.
I also relate to "performing" in therapy and also doing this when I was getting coached as well. Fascinating that I didn't want the coach to feel they weren't being effective (even if some of them were not) so I always found some way to show they had helped me progress...
Keep doing the brave work! Thanks for sharing along the way. 💗
Cristy, thank you so much — as always — for sharing in such depth here in the comments, it really helps me deepen my own understanding (and for others too, I'm sure) by seeing it through your lens too. I can't believe how glued I was (and still am!) to the Liz. G commentariat . . .
I definitely think the book and podcast tour have issues, *but* it has gotten me to CoDA meetings too (and even DA). I was so afraid of twelve-step programs before, mostly with no clue what they were, and for many of the reasons you mentioned (ie not acknowledging the adaptive function that Dr. Clayton does so beautifully). There is something powerful in just hearing others' stories, and I have found the phone meetings a nice "soft" way to check them out (I try to go to in-person too, but make those less frequently).
What a great point about collective fawning!! Soooo true!! And has been for nearly a decade now! Incredible . . . and the ways that internet culture (and inboxes) trigger my fawn response — ChatGPT has actually been quite helpful in working through why that is (and sometimes even analyzing certain messages for why they make me so uncomfortable). I'm still only taking baby steps, but the awareness and tiny gap between event + automatic fawn response are at least starting to widen a little bit . . .
Keep doing the brave work too! And would love to hear what you think if you do try any twelve-step meetings...I have been quite blown away by what a generous community and free resource it is: you can join almost any day, any time, and the groups I've popped into have been so warm, humble, and welcoming. ❤️
« What can I surrender to today? » is my new favorite question! Wow, that really hit home in such a helpful way. Thank you so much for giving me such a glorious invitation to let go! 🙏❤️
Jenny, I've been following along closely to this series (and the previous one) because I found myself obsessed with the drama around Liz' new book also. I started checking out times for CODA meetings just in case that was a path I wanted to explore. But as I've recently finished the book on Fawning (coincidentally recommended by Audible the same week you started writing about it), I'm beginning to piece together my own thoughts on these topics.
I love Ingrid Clayton's approach, in that it doesn't blame the person for fawning or people pleasing, but instead locates it appropriately as a trauma response. Maybe this is why I've struggled most with the codependency literature, because it doesn't acknowledge the adaptive function of serving others.
I'm also starting to connect the dots in terms of our political system as well. I've been puzzled why nobody can stand up to an authoritarian leader - maybe collective fawning has become problematic in the Republican party, going along to get along. In light of that, some political stuff makes more sense to me.
I also relate to "performing" in therapy and also doing this when I was getting coached as well. Fascinating that I didn't want the coach to feel they weren't being effective (even if some of them were not) so I always found some way to show they had helped me progress...
Keep doing the brave work! Thanks for sharing along the way. 💗
Cristy, thank you so much — as always — for sharing in such depth here in the comments, it really helps me deepen my own understanding (and for others too, I'm sure) by seeing it through your lens too. I can't believe how glued I was (and still am!) to the Liz. G commentariat . . .
I definitely think the book and podcast tour have issues, *but* it has gotten me to CoDA meetings too (and even DA). I was so afraid of twelve-step programs before, mostly with no clue what they were, and for many of the reasons you mentioned (ie not acknowledging the adaptive function that Dr. Clayton does so beautifully). There is something powerful in just hearing others' stories, and I have found the phone meetings a nice "soft" way to check them out (I try to go to in-person too, but make those less frequently).
What a great point about collective fawning!! Soooo true!! And has been for nearly a decade now! Incredible . . . and the ways that internet culture (and inboxes) trigger my fawn response — ChatGPT has actually been quite helpful in working through why that is (and sometimes even analyzing certain messages for why they make me so uncomfortable). I'm still only taking baby steps, but the awareness and tiny gap between event + automatic fawn response are at least starting to widen a little bit . . .
Keep doing the brave work too! And would love to hear what you think if you do try any twelve-step meetings...I have been quite blown away by what a generous community and free resource it is: you can join almost any day, any time, and the groups I've popped into have been so warm, humble, and welcoming. ❤️
“the adaptive function of serving others” is very insightful
"Flop" is a great word, a fun word, a goofy word. Flow and Stop together? That's fine just not at the same time. . .
« What can I surrender to today? » is my new favorite question! Wow, that really hit home in such a helpful way. Thank you so much for giving me such a glorious invitation to let go! 🙏❤️