Asking for a Sign . . . Part One
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME UNIVERSE?!?! IF YOU WANT ME TO GET A FULL-TIME JOB, JUST SAY IT!!!”
That was me, one month ago, exasperated.
I broke down in tears—again—at breakfast with one of my besties (and first NYC roommate)
, when she asked how business was going.I don’t know, I told her, it all feels so hard. I’m just not getting clear signs lately. I don’t know which way to turn, and I am at my wits’ end. I would “just go get a job already,” but I’m not getting a clear signal that that is the way forward, either.
I just feel like the Yellow Brick Road has forgotten about me, I told her through tears.
The YBR is our nickname for providence, for New York City, for navigating the unknown while trusting that the next steps will be shown, one at a time. It means knowing they will arrive in unexpected, serendipitous, even magical ways—just as they always have.
For each of the thirteen years I have been self-employed, whenever I hit a dip, well-meaning friends or family members will ask, “Why don’t you get a job?” not realizing it comes across as a vote of un-confidence in my ability to find a way forward.
There’s no shame in that, of course—many people boomerang in and out of self-employment, by choice and by circumstance. For the first time last year, I caved and browsed /careers pages. I was almost ready to give up on my business, too.
Launching into the trifecta of a new marriage, a New York City mortgage, and puppy training at the start of 2020—while the pandemic simultaneously swept eighty percent of my slated income away—well, it hasn’t been easy. I haven’t figured out how to support a household with a new-and-improved aligned business model yet.
If my business were a boyfriend, my friends might tell me to stop settling for scraps. I am earning just enough to keep the lights on—no more, no less. And yes, our lights are expensive, but I am hanging on to New York City by my stubborn fingernails.
JUST GIVE ME A SIGN, I demanded that day, worn down from a recent speaking engagement where the intense travel itinerary wiped me out for two weeks. IF YOU WANT ME TO GET A JOB, I’LL DO IT, DAMNIT, BUT I NEED YOU TO MAKE IT CLEAR ALREADY!! I yelled in my mind, like a petulant child.
Exasperated with my middling efforts to break more than even, I booked a trip home to Northern and Southern California to see my family, having skipped visiting over the chaotic holidays. It had been almost a year since my last trip home.
Just as I left breakfast with Julie, the Yellow Brick Road sent me an email.
